Cordelia, min stolthet

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Cordelia är en sån där person som du möter och tänker att ”Den där ungen kan ju aldrig ha varit ett barn”. Exakt så är det. Cordelia kom ut lillgammal och på den vägen har det fortsatt. Jag brukar skoja och säga att jag fick inte ens lova att föda ut henne utan hon promenerade rakt ut för att hon var så jäkla kavat. Fast, det är så långt från sanningen om hur hennes förlossning gick till. 12 dagar över tiden, in och ut på förlossningen två gånger, otaliga timmar (dygn) i latensfasen, bajs i fostervattnet, fruktlösa krystvärkar i två timmar och sedan kom hon efter ett klipp och att en barnmorska la sig på min mage och tryckte ut henne. Ja, det gjorde ont. Ja, jag hade epidural men det gjorde ändå jävligt ont.

Känner nu när jag tittar tillbaka på det hur liten jag var
Förlossningen var så jobbig att hon fick sova med Pontus i början
Familj nr 1

Jag såg verkligen fram emot att amma och var det något jag inte ”pluggat” inför när det kom till själva bebisgrejen så var det just det att amma. Det var så självklart. Idag ser det helt annorlunda ut vilket är så härligt men för 12 år sedan så var amningshysterin ett faktum. Det skulle ammas till varje pris, alla kunde, man skulle bara öva. Som jag övade. Folk drog i mitt bröst och jag övade. Jag tittade i böcker och övade. Jag grät och övade. Hade ångest och övade. Hade sår precis över hela bröstvårtan och övade. Ammade med svampinfektion i brösten och övade. En del av min bröstvårta gick av och jag övade. Mjölken sinade och jag övade. I fem veckor ca 10ggr/dag övade jag. För alla kunde. Men jag kunde inte och det kändes som det största misslyckandet någonsin. Cordelia hade varit hungrig i fem veckor och när Pontus sedan värmde på ersättningen och gav mig flaska för att mata henne han jag knapp föra den till hennes mun innan hon sög sig fast i den och åt, och år och åt. Jag skrattade och grät om vartannat. Jag var så glad över att hon fick i sig mat men var så ledsen att jag väntat så länge på att ge henne det. Sen sov hon i vad jag minns som hela natten. Vilken tuff start hon fick, min tjej. Jag är så säker på att dessa första trauman i hennes liv, förlossningen, bristen på mat och en överstressad mamma som bara ville bli av med henne efter varje amning för smärtan var för enorm, har satt sina spår i henne.

Såhär kändes det hela tiden!

Sen dagen hon föddes har Cordelia alltid gjort sin grej. Alltid varit före, smartare, klokare, mer kreativ och verbal än sin omgivning. Herregud, vi hann ju aldrig med! Hon passade inte in i någon handbok om barn överhuvudtaget. På förskolan ville hon hellre vara med inne på kontoret och jobba vid datorn än att leka med de andra 1-åringarna. Hon började gå när hon var 8 månader och prata flerordsmeningar vid 1-års ålder. Första gången hon drämde igen en dörr i mitt ansikte var hon 1,5 år gammal och skrek att hon var ”orionterad på mig!”. I skolan hade hon lätt för sig och låg före tills hon blev ungefär 9 år. En kombination av att vi flyttade, hon bytte skola och att vi under en längre tid inte lyckats göda hennes lust till att lära gjorde att hon blev uttråkad och rätt skoltrött. Allt började nu istället att bli svårt och snart var hon nedstämd. Det skulle dock ta oss ytterligare två år innan vi förstod hur allvarligt det var och sökte hjälp. I samma veva blev hennes syster sjuk i cancer. Jag önskar så mycket att jag och Pontus förstod och tog hjälp tidigare. Att Cordelia förmodligen var ett särbegåvat barn som behövde fler utmaningar men det pratades det inte om någonstans. Istället avfärdade vi henne som ett extra krävande barn som behövde disciplin och tydliga regler. Det får vi och framförallt Cordelia betala för idag.

Alltid så egen stil
Too cool for school
Sån stark vila att vi ofta gav upp. Detta på väg till förskolan en regnig höstmorgon. Hon var inte alls kall!
Och så här strejkades det på hemvägen ofta så ag tog cykel fast förskolan låg 1 minut bort


Jag upplever det idag som att Cordelia aldrig fick vara liten, aldrig fick vara barn fullt. Hennes lillebror kom innan hon fyllt två och hon var inte längre familjens mittpunkt. Nu kan ju det gå alldeles utmärkt i andra familjer men i vår lilla familj, där Pontus jobbade väldigt mycket och då i shift, och jag hade sådan enorm stolthet så att jag aldrig bad om hjälp av vänner och familj utan bara körde på, blev det svårt att få ihop familjelivet och ge henne den tid hon behövde. Ja, vi gjorde vårt bästa såklart, men tänk om vi bett om mer hjälp. 

Idag jobbar Cordelia med sin psykiska hälsa och har professionell hjälp. Eller ja, hon har slussats fram en hel del så nu har vi letat upp privat hjälp. Det ska inte behöva vara så men bemötandet på BUP var ett stort jävla skämt för vår del. Det här är något som vi kommer att pratat mycket mer om.
Cordelia är världens grymmaste 12-åring (going on 23, typ) som är intresserad av mode, smink och inredning samtidigt som hon gärna pratar orättvisor i världen, politik och maktstrukturer. Vi har de mest dynamiska samtalen med henne och hon lär oss så mycket nytt. Hon lär alla runtomkring henne massa nytt på ett naturligt sätt. ”Mamma, jag håller på och vänder dem alla i klassen. One by one ska vi bli av med alla rasister och homofober!”. Jag är så imponerad av det här barnet och älskar henne så otroligt mycket. Hon är så sjukt rolig. Hennes humor är verkligen on point. Hon är kvick och rapp i käften som få. Hon kan verkligen lysa upp ett rum med sin energi, när hon är på rätt humör dvs för hon är ju trots allt tonåring. Men shit vad jag älskar tonårslivet. Väljer det framför vilken 6-årstrots som helst, än så länge.

Hon älskar mig något enormt mycket. Särskilt mina kramar…

Cordelia ska ha nio liv och fem är redan satta. Hon ska bli, 1. Astronom och jobba på Space X och inte Nasa (för Nasa- tröjorna på H&M har traumatiserat henne för alltid), 2. Flytta till Italien och måla, äta god mat och bli fet, 3. Vara musiker i New York och bo i en lyxig takvåning och där ingen vet vart hennes pengar kommer ifrån, 4. Driva ett café på den japanska landsbygden, 5. Sätta spice på Sverige genom sin personlighet när hon blir känd, utmana Status Quo helt enkelt. En bra dag pratar hon såhär och hela jag fylls med sån härlig värme. nästa dag är livet skit och inte värt att leva. Ibland går den pendlingen på några sekunder.

Lycko er som också kommer att få er en dos. En mycket liten dos för att hon tycker att jag är såååå cheeeeezy i typ allt jag gör men, men. You do you, brukar jag säga till henne då.

385 svar på ”Cordelia, min stolthet”

  1. Wow! Bara 12! Helt säker på typ 15-16.
    Påminner en hel del om min O 9 år.
    Och ja BUP en enda stor frustration! Trotssyndrom…
    Kram❣️

  2. Älskar din blogg! ❤️ Så fin familj och nu ska jag fortsätta läsa nästa inlägg, tack för att du delar med dig Amit 🙏🏼

  3. Åh vad mycket igenkänning när det gäller amningen! Är snart 70 men minns det som igår. Kämpade o grät o stressade med första tösen, snart 40 nu.
    När andra kom tre år senare visste jag vad jag ville! Flaska direkt utan dåligt samvete. Såå mycket enklare o roligare livet blev🥰

    1. Att vi är så många som lider så. Och så himla länge. På den tiden måste det varit ännu mer hysteriskt kring amning också.
      Det var så himla skönt med beslutet om flaska till slut ❤️❤️❤️

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